Thanks to the miracle of electronic media and the worldwide web we now have an opportunity to communicate as never before. Rather than use this remarkable resource for something as pedestrian and mindless as simply staying in touch, I have an idea for some fun that I believe you will all equally appreciate.
From a music standpoint, I’ve never met a group that I collectively trust more than you, my five distinguished siblings. Hence, I thought it appropriate, no, imperative, that we delve deep into that great ocean of musical knowledge and summon to the surface all that wealth of ingested information so we may splash about freely in warm waters of your genius.
Thus, I propose that for the next 26 weeks (corresponding to the 26 letters of the alphabet–A thru Z) we each submit two songs beginning with the “letter of the week” for our scrutinizing pleasure. The first song will be the worst song that begins with the letter of the week and the second song will be the greatest song that you can think of beginning with that letter.
You and your entries will each be identified with a number corresponding to the order of your entrance into the world. Hence, the oldest will be Contestant #1(C1) and so on to Contestant #7(C7). We are hopeful that C6 will accept the responsibility of representing the female gender. We fully recognize that the odds would not appear even, but as with all things, we would appreciate any mercy she may feel to extend us.
As I’ve humbly accepted the weighty responsibility of judging the worthy submissions, I ask that you try to limit your entries to one song per category for each week. When we get to “T” week and you can’t decide which is worse—“Tiptoe through the Tulips” or “Tie a Yellow Ribbon,” just “buck up little camper” and make a decision. How can you possibly expect me to judge that which you will not?
I fully accept that when the winners are announced, you may not agree with the results, so rebuttals are welcome.
Please send your submissions by Monday night. Late submissions may get a mention, but they will not eligible for the competition. Winners will be announced on Friday. If you would like to make a case for your personal favorite, feel free to provide editorial comments. Also note that inappropriate language or personal character attacks will not be published. As difficult as it may be, we must act like adults. All submissions will be carefully strained through our editorial staff’s “fine tooth comb.”
As your music game host, I confess that I do expect to see some trends. As I see it, the younger three siblings will have the advantage in the worst song category, as they were active listeners during the 80s and 90s. I believe the older three participants should have the advantage on the best songs, as they were ear witnesses of the late 60s and early 70s. Being the middle child hopefully puts me in the best position to judge fairly. Actually, sibling position has nothing to do with it—I get to do it because I’m the one starting this thing.
When all is said and done, we should each have a catalog and Cds of the greatest songs ever written, and a slam list of worst songs ever written. CDs of the worst songs will not be provided. If you want to catch up on the worst entries you can listen for their Muzak covers the next time you’re in a Chinese restaurant with Chicken Fried Steak on menu. For some reason, they always have that stuff spewing from the ceiling speakers in those cultural crossover hot spots.
That’s about it. Thanks for your support. We look forward to your submissions on Monday. Best of luck to all of you. May the best and worst song win!
Love and Knishes,
Contestant #4 (Your Music Game Host)
